Unlikely consequence of Michelle Bridges' DUI
In a spectacular 180 turn, Michelle Bridges has gone from unattainable to relatable.
News broke this week Australia's fitness queen and beacon of wellness copped a DUI charge after she failed a breathalyser test last Sunday morning. Thank gosh she had that break-up revelation ready to whip out of her back pocket to humanise the news reports.
Not a desirable situation but, honestly, Michelle would probably be more embarrassed if she was busted in the Coles candy aisle. That would a real PR nightmare.
All jokes aside, I love Michelle Bridges. I've been stealing exercises off her Instagram for years. And this latest incident makes me adore her even more. Who knew Michelle Bridges was fun? Of course, all the tabloid reports are making it seem like she's Australia's new party girl - Lindsay Lohaning her way around Sydney. Far from true.
It seems only recently we all started to realise that if you smash a bunch of drinks at night you can still be above the limit the following day.
I spent Wednesday night slamming back tequila by myself while listening to a Sheryl Crow live album. Sad? Absolutely. Was I in a state to drive the next morning? Mind ya own business.
But back to bar fly Bridges.
The details are vague. All we really know is where she was busted is practically the same spot as where Buddy Franklin crashed Jesinta's car and Jodhi Meares ran into all those parked cars drink driving. That's esteemed company to be in.
The timeline of events is murky. Like, did she have a massive Saturday night? Perhaps she was also slamming back tequila alone while listening to a Sheryl Crow live album - calling Commando's phone and leaving voice messages while singing, "If it makes you happppppy". Or did she just wake up on Sunday morning and spike her protein shake with an additional … "supplement". I'd be satisfied with either scenario.
And now all her words are coming back to bite her. Over Christmas she told Now To Love that her go-to healthy holiday drink is something she calls a "Mishy Champagne" - soda water and lime served in a wine glass.
"The last thing you want to have to do is defend yourself against people saying 'Just have a drink!' So I say, 'I'm having a Mishy Champagne,' and no one has to know that you you're not drinking. You don't have to announce it to everyone," she said.
Obviously she forgot to reveal the Mishy Champagne's secret ingredient: champagne.
I really think it was Michelle's healthy way of life that landed her in this bind. No doubt she was following her 12WBT online program and limiting carbs. Everyone knows you need carbs when you're drinking. But like hell Michelle would've been seen lining up at a kebab shop, so she probably just nibbled on a kale leaf and grazed on some nuts. Rookie mistake. Still, I hope this forms the foundation of her legal case: "Your honour, in my defence, I was off carbs." I've used this as my defence on several occasions - mainly when I cry at work.
"This behaviour is inexcusable, and I am absolutely devastated and embarrassed to find myself in this position," she said in a statement. I really sympathise and she shouldn't feel embarrassed.
Anyone whoever reads this column knows we promote positivity and look on the bright side - which is why I'd just like to take a second to point out the silver lining for Michelle. This isn't a setback, it's an opportunity - and it's provided a major career pivot. No longer is her way of life aspirational and unattainable. For the first time, she's relatable. Relatability is so in at the moment. She's really just gotta grab the baton and run with it.
Her team better be working hard behind the scenes to strike up an endorsement deal with Dan Murphy's while the buzz is in the press. Phase two: release a line of pre-mixed cocktails.
And at the end of the day, the DUI just means she can keep her steps up. As if we need to tell MB the benefits of incidental exercise.
Please wear your pedometers today as a sign of support.
BREAKING: CHRIS HEMSWORTH BUYS SHOES
You guys, it finally happened: Chris Hemsworth is wearing shoes. Well, technically he's wearing pluggers. Probably bought 'em at a servo. But it's a big step up from barefoot.
A few weeks ago in this column we were talking about Megxit and then we somehow started complaining about Byron Bay and obviously we had to bring up the Hemsworths and how they run around everywhere barefoot. How they can't afford shoes is really confusing.
But they heard us loud and clear. And this week, Chris stepped out with shoes on. Huge!
OK, they weren't exactly shoes - they were pluggers. But it's a step in the right direction.
First stage is the pluggers. Where to next? Maybe a Volley. Or a pair of those black and white chequered Vans. It'll take a while to build up to a desert boot but we're on our way.
PREPARE TO BE BLIME-FIBE-EB
Pull out your wine straws and stock up your junk food platters, Australia - Married At First Sight returns tomorrow. Ah, the social experiment that brings together a bunch of single people looking to find romance in the worst place possible.
Will they find love? Or will they just end up alone, with nothing to show for it but an Instagram endorsement deal for teeth whitening lasers.
I'll be picking through the mess each night like a diseased ibis. Check out the recaps on news.com.au - but also get involved with our big shiny new podcast called Not Here To Make Friends.
Each episode I'm joined by a rotating panel of guests and we bang on about TV before opening up the conversation with you guys.
Tomorrow night after MAFS airs, I'll be joined by Gretel Killeen and Ben Fordham. You can stream us live on the news.com.au Facebook page - or download us the following day wherever you get your podcasts.