IN THE most relatable moment we've seen all series, Married At First Sight's scorned wife Tracey has confessed to doing something so spiteful it causes me to look at her in awe and dream of one day replicating the bitter move.

Broken and in tears on Wednesday night, Tracey makes the admission after keeping it secret for weeks. The other couples gasp. And Dean, who until now has held the power in this tumultuous relationship, glares at his wife the same way I glare at food delivery people when my box of hot chips is suspiciously half-empty.

It's the final dinner party before the vow renewal ceremony and, honestly, there's just nothing left for these people to say to each other. After two months together, they all sit and stare at each other in silence. It's like when you go home to visit family for Christmas and, after a day, all you can do is dream about the life you once had where you could watch Netflix in your underwear and go to the bathroom without someone knocking on the door and asking what you're doing.

These people are days away from being shoved out of the spotlight and sent back to their suburban lives, and they have nothing left to offer. Anticipating this boredom, the experts have schemed with the producers and come up with a fun game to troll the contestants and bring resentment to the surface this evening.

We sit everyone down at the table and tell them dinner is served before sending the waiters out. But instead of food, everyone's served a bunch of intrusive questions scribbled on tiny pieces of paper. Try it at your next dinner party! Hostess tip from me to you: You can substitute intrusive questions with personalised insults.

"There is nowhere to hide from the honesty box," John Aiken says menacingly. And it's true. Well, unless someone brings a really big box of their own and hides in it when the honesty box appears. But the chances of anyone here having that kind of grand foresight is slim.

John and Melissa are up first and we sigh with exhaustion. Their honesty box only contains questions about distance and their conversation is as interesting as the two-hour drive that separates their homes.

Producers have gotten really lazy and, when it comes to Sarah and Telv, there's another question about distance. Bored, I hijack the process and ask a better question.

"Telv, are your lovely freckles natural or do you dot them on with a lipliner pencil?" I inquire.

He doesn't confirm or deny.

When it comes to Ashley and Troy, I go all Leigh Sales on them.

"Do you regret wearing personalised trucker hats to an evening event when the invite clearly stipulated the dress code is cocktail?" I ask them, witheringly.

Yes you.
Yes you.

Riled by my grilling, Ashley has a question to fire at Troy.

"When you said, on the couch, that you were in love with me, do you 100 per cent think you were? Or you just said it for the sake of it?" she asks.

Ashley's gone in hard. And she's not prepared for Troy's honest reply.

"That same night on the couch was the same night I asked you into the bedroom. It was the same night that you declined it," he spits back, still hurt by the rejection.

"There's an amazing side to you which I am in love with ... when I see it. But there are two sides to you and I haven't been in a relationship with someone who has had sudden changes

like this."

I've had this exact same conversation with exes because, like Ashley, I'm a moody and high-maintenance witch who does what she likes. I'm like a really bitchy cat. A guy can be rubbing my stomach on the couch and one second I'm loving it and the next I'm clawing his face and biting his forearm while hissing something about carbohydrates.

When it comes time for Dean's questions, Tracey licks her lips in anticipation and also out of habit.

Someone buy her some Carmex.
Someone buy her some Carmex.

They crap on about Davina again and Dean apologises and, knowing Tracey would work herself up into a spin, the producers have planted a terrific follow-up question.

"If I did to you with another guy what you did to me with Davina would you have stayed with me in this experiment?" Tracey sobs as she reads aloud the slip of paper.

"F*ck," she whispers, with her face in her hands.

She's broken by the question. But it's Dean's answer that destroys her.

"Judging from my past, there's a chance I may have left," he admits.

Tears stream down Tracey's face. She feels foolish. But in an instant, she flips it back on Dean with an admission that makes him the fool.

"Why did you stay?" Dean asks his wife.

"I stayed because I saw something in you the minute I met you. I could see why the experts matched us," she begins. "And it killed me that you couldn't see it. And you were so quick to leave."

Dean looks at his wife with sympathy. But it doesn't last. Finally, Tracey reveals the brutal truth behind her decision to stay.

"I stayed out of spite," she says. "I was so humiliated and I wanted you to feel a consequence of what you did."

‘Why are these chips half-empty?’
‘Why are these chips half-empty?’

Super pleased with herself, Tracey smugly licks her lips again. Dean buries his anger and humiliation. He overcomes his rage and tells his wife that everything's OK. But the moment Tracey turns her back, he takes a cheap dig and does a bitchy impression of her.

Ugh low blow.
Ugh low blow.

Tracey's admission causes a shift in her relationship and the power suddenly flips. She didn't stay because she was enamoured of Dean. She stayed out of spite and to get revenge. I've never loved love more than I do right now, you guys.

For more observations on hiding in really big boxes and being a high-maintenance witch, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir


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