Hot new ugly trends we can’t deal with
Ugly trends are confusing and confronting but somehow manage to come into fashion - like Birkenstocks or those thousands of tourists who stormed Uluru this week as if it was the Myer Boxing Day sale.
I don't know which is worse. Well, I do. The Uluru hike is worse mainly because it has a really long line-up and no airconditioning. OK, that's a joke - it's worse for a lot of other important reasons. Some people felt the need to hike it and crowds of them strapped on their weird backpack water bottles and swarmed the rock before it closed up shop.
Have you seen the videos? It's embarrassing. It got even uglier when some randoms cut the line and everyone started yelling at them. This kind of behaviour is uncomfortable to witness in the self-serve checkout queue at Coles but the situation at the rock was just layer upon layer of bad behaviour.
Speaking of bad behaviour, those private school boys in Melbourne with their dirty chants was another ugly trend that surfaced this week. There are actually few things more frightening than being confronted by a crowd of chanting teenage boys. The toxic masculinity mixes with the toxic Lynx cloud that's engulfing them and the combination paralyses anyone in their orbit.
Are chanting school boys an ugly trend? Well there was the video of the St Kevin's College fellas chanting filth on a tram and then there was the other video of them chanting on a pub crawl on Monday night. I mean, firstly, who has a pub crawl on a Monday night? That's just ridiculous. But to the point, two times does make an ugly trend. Who even goes to the trouble of writing a dirty chant? When I caught the bus in high school we all just used to chant the "B-A-N-A-N-A-S" part of that Gwen Stefani song. It was a pure time.
We covered off poo jogging last week. Unfortunately that's a trend. Or fortunately. Nothing lifts our spirits more than a poo jogger.
And this week reality TV villains banded together and claimed to be the real victims. Some lady who was on House Rules a million years ago won a workers' compensation case against Channel 7 for "psychological injury". The landmark decision caused a landslide and all the Davinas and Tracey Jewels of the world came out of the shadows to reveal their suffering. Definitely an ugly trend. What's the collective noun for a group of reality TV villains seeking revenge? A rash.
The thing is, ugly social trends aren't like ugly fashion trends. In fashion, people start wearing ugly things ironically and suddenly the ugly trend is cool.
Crocs are not an ugly trend. They're just ugly and should only be worn if you're a chef at a Hog's Breath.
But Birkenstocks and dorky white Seinfeld sneakers and slides with socks are all ugly trends that are now acceptable thanks to Justin Bieber and those Olsen girls and Jenner ladies. The latest ugly trend is bowl cuts on women and paedophile glasses. Charlize Theron has cut her hair into a very blunt bowl cut for the new Fast & Furious movie. And Jennifer Aniston, Courteney Cox and Natasha Lyonne are all rocking the creepy-chic specs.
I love it all - the bowl cut, the ugly glasses and the dorky sneakers. But can you imagine all these trends on the one person? It would almost be more offensive than a group of private school boys doing a dirty chant on Uluru.
TO MY DEAREST SNOWDROP
The annual list of bogan baby names has been released so look away now, Snowdrops.
That's not my affectionate pet name for you readers - Snowdrop is one of the bogan names included on the list.
Look, we aim to be classy in this column and don't succumb to pot shots, so obviously there won't be any criticism of the carefully selected names of these innocent babies. Only lying. Starlette and Velvette will be available for your buck's parties in approximately 18 years.
I don't agree with the inclusion of Tigger on the list. That's actually a remarkable name and I'd totally date a Tigger. Who am I kidding, he'll probably marry that bitch Snowdrop and cheat on her with Vin'nyla.
Can you imagine being an 80-year-old nan named Vin'nyla? What a hoot.
Anyway, the creators of this list only needed to look at the current crop of guys on The Bachelorette to fill out the roll call. That show is a who's who of bogan names.
Timm, with his unnecessary abundance of letters. Haydn, with his irrational fear of specific vowels. Scot, whose parents were too lazy to finish writing his name on his birth certificate. And Carlin, whose parents think names can just be invented. By comparison, Vin'nyla almost seems traditional.