The Bachelor recap: Hustlers! B**ches! And Matty J
IN A moment of perfect timing, Matty J has witnessed first-hand the ugly behaviour of the ladies chasing his heart on The Bachelor after a petty and embarrassing argument broke out during Thursday night's cocktail party.
The words "hustler!" and "bitch!" were hurled and lots of sassy hand gestures and head jolting ensued.
Then, the look of shame and regret washed over the girls' faces as they looked up to see Matty J standing there. It's a sobering moment when you realise your partner has just discovered what a complete witch you truly are, and I'm talking from experience.
If this fight didn't happen, all I would've had to write about is a big doodle and a schnitty. And in some ways, I'm disappointed those two things aren't the focus of this recap.
But I have promised a big willie, and I'm not just going to take that off the table. It makes its rather prominent cameo during Cobie's private date with Matty.
They're going horse riding, which sounds delightful. But it's promptly ruined when the stallion decides to chuck a whiz on Cobie's fancy looking trenchcoat.
And this only draws our attention to where the urine is coming from.
It's huge, but Channel Ten refuses to blur it. Since falling into receivership, the company has had to cut corners on everything. And that includes pixels in order to mask giant horse penises. So, view the following screenshot at your own risk. And maybe print it out and put it on the keyboard of someone you want to annoy at work in the morning.
You may remember Cobie as the girl who practices her facial expressions every morning before leaving the house. And today she got up extra early to warm up her cheekbones for eight hours of excessive nose scrunching.
This crudely Photoshopped montage of all the faces Cobie pulls throughout the day pretty much sums up the date.
Oh, and it all ends with Cobie basically lodging a formal request to receive a kiss from Matty.
After reciting a poem she's written for him that doesn't even rhyme, Matty gives her a rose - because what else is he supposed to do after that?
And then when a kiss doesn't happen, she asks for it.
"I really want to kiss you and I'm just scared," she tells him point blank.
"(I'm scared of) Going in and you pulling away. So now I'm waiting for you to come halfway so I can meet you halfway there."
Matty actually has no option but to kiss Cobie now.
I don't know if Cobie desperately wants the kiss to happen because she really likes Matty or because she's planned and practised the perfect facial expression to pull after the pash and she just doesn't want it to go to waste. Either way, she gets to kiss Matty and make this face.
Back at the mansion, the girls are "really happy for Cobie". But it's the kind of thing where they just continually spike the conversation with the line "I'm totally psyched for her!" before immediately following it up with a statement about how much of a bitch she is for scoring the date.
That's when Tara imparts such a wise and enlightened piece of commentary that I almost choke on my Barbecue Shape as I frantically grab a Post-It to write it down on to keep in my wallet at all times.
"I'm still hopeful. When I'm eating my dinner I save the best thing till last. I'll eat my veggies first - and my schnitty's the last thing I'm gonna eat and I love it! WE ARE THE SCHNITTY!" she declares to the girls.
They cheer and hoist Tara onto their shoulders.
She then deep-throats a banana.
As I pick up my iPhone to order a chicken schnitzel on Deliveroo, Osher appears and we're dragged to the backyard where a giant board game is set up.
He informs us we're going to play the clumsily named "Bachelor Life-Sized Board Game".
He reads the rules but I don't listen. All I gather is the game requires the smarts of Monopoly with the bitchiness of Connect Four.
Then a bunch of people get "cream pied" and you can make your own jokes about that one.
Finally, we arrive at the cocktail party where dates are crashed, enemies become friends and "hustlers" are named and shamed.
Cobie is desperate for just one more moment of face time with Matty so, when she spots him having a conversation with Simone, she waits exactly one minute before approaching him.
But she does it in a really respectful way: by standing three feet away from Matty and Simone's private conversation until they both get so uncomfortable they just stop talking mid-sentence and stare back at her.
Simone returns to the party where she tells the other girls what happened.
A chorus of "that's not fair!", "she already has a rose!" and "that was so low!" bellows across the mansion grounds.
Jen, who went head-to-head with Simone at last week's cocktail party in a petty argument, is now on her side. She details to the other girls how Cobie's malicious plan to interrupt Simone's time with Matty unfolded.
"She didn't walk across, she snuck in the back door. And that's what I don't like. She plays sweet, she plays cute, but she's a hustler. She's a bitch," she spits.
And she says it all while madly gesturing and jolting her head.
Leah decides she hasn't had enough attention and takes it upon herself to try and rectify the problem in a really diplomatic and sensible manner.
She drunkenly stumbles into the cabana where Matty and Cobie are talking and slurs: "That really upset a lot of people. So can I steal you and return you to the party?"
Matty looks uncomfortable. Cobie refuses.
"OK, but I will tell you, you've upset lot of people," Leah smirks.
"And I'm OK with that," Cobie says politely.
Moments later, Leah returns to the living room and recounts exactly what happened to the other ladies. And when I say "she recounts exactly what happened", I mean Leah recounts a very loose interpretation of what happened with major exaggerations and flourishes to make Cobie seem like a total bitch and herself seem calm and reasonable.
"She said, 'I don't care - (and put her) hand in my face!" she howls.
Jen starts chanting the word "hustler!" again.
Laura tries to stand up for Cobie but this only annoys Jen further and her voice reaches a childlike screech as she yells about Cobie and points her finger accusingly at no one in particular.
And it's at this moment that Jen is screeching and the room is whirling with chaos that Matty J walks back inside with Cobie and witnesses the ugliness.
A look of shame and regret washes over Jen's face as her once accusatory finger curls and falls limp.
While Jen should be feeling uneasy after being busted in the midst of some seriously ugly behaviour by Matty, it doesn't shake her confidence.
During the rose ceremony, she tells us she's still better than the other girls.
But as her competitors are dutifully handed roses by Matty and she's left standing on the wrong side of the room, she can't help but show her dismay.
She makes the same face I make at Hoyts Cinemas when I buy the movie ticket and bag of M&M's only to find out immediately after that the frozen coke machine is actually broken.
But because Matty is genuinely scared of the girl he saw shrieking and pointing just moments earlier, he wisely gives her a rose.
It comes down to Belinda and the other girl. And the other girl gets through.
Belinda is sent home. She's not a schnitty. And so what? Not everyone can be. I'm sure there are some boys out there who like to eat their vegetables last.
For more observations on schnitties and being a total hustler, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir